daily horoscope 15 may 2009: Are you hanging on to some cherished idea or plan that has long outlived its usefulness? Now might be the time for you to try something new, even if it means turning your life inside-out for a bit.

i worry about this one. i worry that all my music equipment and ideas are a waste, and i really should give up and move on. focus on writing, or give into my painting urge, or just give up creating altogether and improve my career. bury my dreams with a quest for money and power. a quest for success in the buisness world. forget all that feelgood crap about doing what i want, just do what i must and spend the rest of the time killing my brain with fun. entertainment. wine, women, and song. work hard, play hard. maybe that's all life should be.

instead i brood about music even while i procrastinate doing it. i want to make something people notice, but as yet i haven't figured out what it is. maybe eventually i'll be appreciated, or maybe instead i'll simply be forgotten. i wonder does it matter, since after i'm gone i'll be forgotten anyway. what can i accomplish that will remain for centuries? can in conquor the known world? can i alter the course of history? what can i discover or invent that will make life better for all, or at least different? none of my art will have that effect. not even building a playground is enough. i'll die, my name will be removed from the plaques and placards, and life will continue as though i were never here.

which is why i should be enjoying my time now, rather than dwelling on my failures. do something or give up. live or die.

the below was unposted a week or two ago, but i don't know exactly when. i liked what it said so i wanted to make it available somewhere.


daily: Education is important to you right now and you can learn a ton, no matter how formal or informal your coursework may be. You might be boning up on French history or making a killer piecrust, but it pleases you deeply.

people at work tell me to go to culinary school. i should ask around about it. a friend dated a chef, but he was a possessive asshole. i'm not sure that's a recommendation. i need to sign up for the gmat, and a study course, and take that. then i can plot my business degree. work will pay for some of it at least.

they won't pay me to cook, but i might be happier baking pies and serving fancy chicken dishes. i don't even know what i'd do with that. start a restaurant? better go to business school first.

this weekend i'll be getting the bulk of my computer purchase. it's not absolutely complete, but it's good enough. it'll keep me busy for a while. learning how to mac and building my own music industry. yes, i'll be back in the game. yes, i'll teach myself how to blow your mind.

then you can listen to lo-fidelity allstars and learn how to operate with a blown mind.

i'm still here, but i haven't had much supplemental material to add.  i'll let you know if i think of something.

romantic horoscope for thursday, 14 february 2008: Your relationship is like a screwball comedy now: Witty repartee, absurd situations and (yes!) spicy romance are popping up in the unlikeliest of places. Being in love with a person makes you fall in love with life. 

i know this was a long time ago, but in some ways i feel as though this is our relationship in a nutshell.  ok, maybe it's more of a musical than a screwball comedy--fewer absurd situations, more singing--but we seem to have an entertaining vibe with strains of stress and darkness underneath.  a less optimistic view would be that we have a tense, frustrating relationship highlighted by moments of goofiness and sweetness.  maybe we're more like an opera then, or some hybrid between the dark and brooding and the shiny and happy.  that seems to reflect us.

daily horoscope for friday, 15 february 2008: You're not totally sure what you want for the future, but there's a good way to find out: talk it all over with your closest friends. They can offer insights that you haven't discovered yet. 

i've done this, but i haven't made much progress.  i've figured out that another year in chicago (at least) is the best compromise i can find.  i'm not quite ready to change jobs--i'm not sure i have the skills necessary for advancement yet--and i'm not persuaded that moving to indy will improve my situation appreciably.  it may bring me closer to boy, but i'm not sure how it'll work with his mother.  that's an explosion i'm not yet ready to endure.  my friends haven't been very good at helping me make up my mind, but that's ok because it's my mind to make.

astrocenter horoscope for 24 february 2008: This is a good day to look a little deeper at your life, Andrew. Sometimes you get so caught up in everyday concerns that you don't really look at the patterns in your life. Take some time today to look at the bigger picture. Are there certain habits or attitudes that seem to be holding you back? It could be time to change your approach to certain things, whether it be areas like personal finance, relationships, or spiritual growth. 

this is an on-going concern, something i should be trying to do all the time.  i get so caught up in daily living and "getting things done" i never take time for reflection.  here, as i write this, i should be trying to parse out who i am and what i'm doing with myself.  instead i'm trying to write as quickly as i can something simplistic yet useful before i move on to the next old horoscope.  i need, now and then, to go somewhere and sit and watch people and be apart, be inside myself, and understand who i am and what i'm doing.  until i can manage that i can't be very good for anyone else.  or myself.

romantic horoscope for monday, 25 february 2008: One of you wants to call this case closed; the other thinks there's an answer you're just not seeing. Meditate on this. Every problem contains the seed of its own solution if you have the clear head and spirit to see it.  

the case is closed.  our lease runs out august 15, and i am moving into a smaller space, a studio or a loft apartment.  i may have to jettison some stuff to fit what i need, but i'll manage.  she will have to find her own place, be that here or in florida or wherever.  about the time of this horoscope, possibly before i forget, we decided we would break up after spain.  we decided we weren't working, and something had to change.  we had to change.  it's been a rough road, but we're making it ok.  we're keeping positive, and still good to each other.  we have our moments of tension, as you'd expect, but we're doing better than we might be.  i'm handling all this with pragmatic equanimity.  i can't make her stay, i can't change her mind, and at this point i'm not sure i want to.  it's time to move on and find someone else.  move on and find myself first.  i talk about what i'll miss and what i'll want when i'm on my own, but the fact is i'll need a break before i can head out again for anything.  i don't want to be so desperate for a relationship that i jump on the first train to pull into the station.  i have to make sure it's the right situation.  i don't have to know how long the track will run, but i'd like the ride to be smooth and comfortable.

romantic horoscope for saturday, 1 march 2008: Fixing relationship problems right away may be tempting, but don't jump into action too soon. Write down the pros and cons. The solution may surface quicker than you expect.  

i told a friend the other day, "if you're at the point where you're making a list, you've already made your decision."  this was in the context of the a, but it also could apply to my present situation.  the list serves merely to justify your decision, not to clarify what you should be doing.  when in doubt, follow your gut, and if that still doesn't work, lay back and let things happen.  that's why i'm staying in chicago, because i can't make up my mind.  i can make lists until i'm blue in the face, but it's an emotional issue, and i'm still divided.  until i have a definite answer one way or the other, i don't know what to do.

i update here so rarely, it's sometimes hard to remember why it's here.  or easy to forget it's here at all.

i'll miss the chance to write about a horoscope on the day i receive it, but it sparks an idea and i want to write about it.  the problem often is that i'll lose track of it before i can do anything, and then i have this huge backlog of untested horoscopes.  these entries are generally intended to address this problem, to catch up on the ones i missed.  the older ones, though, may not make sense to me anymore.  either i'll skip them, or i'll have little to say.  we'll see how this goes.

daily horoscope sunday 20 december 2007: You can tell you're hanging out with the right people, because your group energy is working together incredibly well. See if you can find a way to make your feelings known to all the members. 

this amuses me, because that night i went to see my friend's band play the empty bottle, and i danced around dressed in a gorilla costume.  the next night i went alone to a nye party where i drank too much and had a good time, then shared a cab with a girl i thought both cute and disinterested.  i said some stupid things, but i don't think i did anything dumb.  i don't know whether it was a situation i could have fixed or altered later, as i didn't try.
i really did have a good time, but none of those people have chosen to include me in future gatherings, so i must not have made a big impression.  even though i invited this girl to my own party in march, she doesn't seem to have noticed.  it's ok, i guess, but why do i have such trouble making and maintaining friendshps?  why are people so cool to me?  what am i doing wrong?
why does it smell like irish cream in here?

astrocenter monday 31 december 2007: You can be expecting some major life changes, star, some of which may be rather surprising. Try not to resist the direction in which life is taking you right now. With these powerful planetary forces at work, it is best to just ride the horse in the direction it is heading. Trust that everything will work out for the best, and enjoy the surprises that are in store...  

another one that seemed to be accurate.  i felt at that time that my life was looking up.  i felt confident about myself, and about the new year.  i was going to take more chances, get out more, do more things.  going to the nye party was going to spark all that.  it didn't turn out that way, and now three months later i'm in about the same place, except that my girlfriend is making plans to leave and i have cooler stuff to attract attention but still no one notices me.  i have games to play and things to do, i have a personality to engage people, i am exciting!  where is everyone?
i trusted this direction, but i've yet to see many surprises, except maybe her leaving, though i did sort of know that was coming eventually.

romantic horoscope monday 31 december 2007: Does routine have to be synonymous with boring? Absolutely not, especially if you have an alternate plan. If anyone knows how to put some snap, crackle and pop back into an everyday occurrence, it's you. 

except i don't know, and there's not much i can do about it.  if i had made life more exciting for us then, if i had figure out how to re-energize the relationship, and myself, at the start of the year, and if i'd learned to be more intuitive and engaging, possibly i wouldn't be losing her now.  she might still want to return to miami and all her lazy 'freedom', she might still think she can't be herself here, but i would have a better argument if i were interesting and exciting.  if i had something to offer.  it turns out i don't, and i can't blame her for wanting to go.  i'd be bored too, if i were her.
not that it's all my fault.  she's free to come and go as she likes.  she can go places without me.  she can go out on weekends i'm not there and have a good time getting to know new people.  no, she doesn't know anyone here and she's not up for going out to meet them.  maybe she's not comfortable with that, or maybe she's convinced herself it's too hard to do in this city.  either way, she's going back to miami to her comfort zone where she can start over with people she knows.  if i'd been more exciting, maybe this could have gone somewhere, but i have the same trouble going out and meeting people.  imagine that.

romantic horoscope wednesday 2 january 2008: Find a fresh approach for a long-standing issue. If you and your sweetie resort to the 'usual' methods, you won't see results. After all, how many times have you dealt with the same challenge? Take a different approach.  

it seems our different approach is to go our separate ways.  to quit on each other.  rather, she quit on me, and i came to accept it as a good idea.  i don't want to be tied to this girl and her family the rest of my life.  not if she can treat me like this, lazily unconcerned with my feelings, and devoid of communicable thoughts.  if she won't tell me how she feels or what she thinks about things, how am i to know?  am i supposed to guess?  intuit?  read her mind?  not gonna happen.
no, however much we stagnated, individually and as a couple, instead of figuring out where we went wrong and trying something new, we're giving up.  it's easier to find someone else, i guess, than to try to fix what you have.  it's easier to go back to something comfortable, something you know, than step out in a new direction.
i wonder if the solution here, for me, is to go out on my own.  do i tell her i'm going out, do i invite her along, or do i just go?  maybe i ride up to the green mill, or maybe i get on a dating site and make dates with people, or maybe i just take long walks on weekends when the weather is bearable.  i don't know yet, but i'll figure it out.  i don't want to spend a lot of money, but i want to be more visible.  i want to be seen.  i want to be social.  and i want her to know she's losing something she should have wanted for herself.

romantic horoscope friday 4 january 2008: The external details of your life aren't correlated to your self worth. Instead, think of them as a mirror of your interior reality, especially when it comes to matters between you two. Don't judge; see the reflection. 

this is true, and i forgot it.  it's something i should keep in mind, so i can have a better approach to things around me.  external events do not reflect my worth.  how people treat me does not affect my value.  i am special, i am precious, and i need to know that.  if they can't see it, then that's their problem.  if i don't believe it, then they won't be able to see it.  you can't find a diamond where there isn't one.  when i shine, they'll know.
as for her, well, there's not much i can do about it now.  maybe if i'd paid attention to this advice then, and held that confidence a little better, and done something about it, maybe we could still be plotting a future after our spain trip.  instead i'm planning for the end and she doesn't have plans at all.  where will the wind take her?
she certainly won't stay here.

romantic horoscope monday 14 january 2008: Once you and your partner correctly identify what the problem is, finding a solution is easy. Now, the problem with that is there are a hundred little side issues distracting you from what's really important. 

it took us another month to figure out what was wrong.  it could have been different if she'd been willing to talk to me about things, but she wasn't.  she wanted to think about it, mull it over, go to miami to get away from everything and figure out what she thought was rong, then come back and tell me.  she didn't want my input, she didn't want any help in sorting out what was happening to her, and us.  she didn't want to be a team, she just wanted to do what she felt she had to do for her.
this kind of approach to life pisses me off.  we're in a relationship, we should act like it.  we should communicate, we should share our feelings, we should talk.  we should help each other.  we should ask for help.  we should discuss things that might affect both of us.  she refuses to do that, preferring to take the 'what's best for me' approach and completely disregard how i might react or how it might affect me.  when she makes her decision, that's it.  i have no say in the matter, either in the process or the outcome.  she's made up her mind and i'm helpless to do anything about it.  totally shut out.
i should be more bitter about this breakup.  maybe now, after writing this, i will be.  or maybe i'll just keep my distance.  i'll be more independent.  she won't even notice.

romantic horoscope sunday 20 january 2008: You can't always figure out what's going on with your mate, and vice versa. Part of being in a couple is knowing when to let the mystery remain. Pushing it just might cause injuries and reveal nothing noteworthy. 

do i even have to comment on this one?  it would be another month before i realized how shutout i am, or how much mystery really existed.  any time i asked wht she was thinking, it was either a shrug or 'a bunch of things'.  no specific answer, no clear idea of what was in her head.  nothing about how she felt, nothing she wanted to talk about, nothing worth reviewing together.  it's like we were never in a relationship, we were just living together and fucking each other.  if she'd been living with five guys she would've been fucking all of them, and still as distant.
i'm very upfront with my emotions.  i'm direct and immediate, to the point that i'll argue loudly in public rather than wait to handle it quietly at home.  i should learn to control and focus this expression, so that i don't embarass people.  they're less likely to work with me if they feel people are staring at them.  the point is, i talk to her, i tell her how i feel, i share myself with her.  she doesn't reciprocate.  is that why we're breaking up?  i think it's a part of it.  i think her reticence, her privacy is more insidious than mine ever was, because i didn't even know it was happening.  i thought i knew what was going on, and then suddenly i realized i didn't.
what happened, i don't know, but it was never fair to me.  i never had a chance.

romantic horoscope monday 21 january 2008: You can indirectly get some great advice on relationships from your family. Just sit down and observe what goes on with them to see how you do or don't want to repeat the same patterns with your mate. 

i don't know that my parents are any more open with their emotions than she and i are.  i don't know whether they talk about how they feel.  dad is more closed-off than mom, but growing up neither gave us any significant amount of affection.  we got attention from mom, but both felt emotionally distant.  not in a way that made us cold and emotionless too, but i think my profusion of emotion, and my struggle to react appropriately, stems from this upbringing.  if this is the lesson i'm supposed to learn here, then yes, i've learned it loud and clear.  she's the first girlfriend i had who wasn't interested in talking about things--not just the boring things i go on about, but also the important emotional stuff that justify a relationship.  even the n, who refused to cry ever, was willing to share her feelings with me.  i have to wonder how the girlfriend can even claim to have emotions.  she is clinically analytical about everything, then claims to act on intuition.  except she has to analyze all her thoughts and dreams and everything before she knows what to do next.  in retrospect, i don't see much impulse in her.  she might go away for a spontaneous weekend trip, but she won't make important decisions without looking at all the consequences first.
i never questions loving her.  i never thought twice about it.  i didn't deliberate about moving in together.  i didn't analyze where we might go with this.  i don't ask my dreams to answer questions, i let things happen and react as they do.  maybe i could have planned better for this situation, or maybe i could have understood it sooner and done something more proactive about it while i had the chance.  maybe i never would have gone to meet her if i'd analyzed what i was doing, but i do sometimes let my emotions take charge, and i make decisions that could haunt me later if i let them.  i won't say i regret not making things work with the n, but that was a much more stable and welcoming environment than where i am now.  i'm on the edge of the wilderness with a cold wind at my back.  i wonder whether that wind was ever warm.

i'm going to stop this exercise for now, and come back later, or tomorrow, or whenever.  the next horoscope is a slight change of subject, and i need a break from this one-note ranting.  i need to put some space between these horoscopes and this mood.  i'm upset, i'm disappointed, i'm hurt, i'm let down.  i am thinking again it could have been so much better, if only we'd worked together to make it so.  instead we had some exciting time together than let it drift on too long.  we got comfortable and stopped challenging each other.  we stopped growing, and sank into the swamp.  if we'd kept pushing, we could be so beautiful now.

daily horoscope friday 30 november 2007: You and your family need to take another look at your financial situation. It is neither as dire nor as terrific as you may have thought, though it may take some fancy brainwork to see all the possibilities. 

i'm not sure what "family" means here.  baby and i keep our finances separate, and we don't worry too much about each others' situation.  i feel i spend more on food for us than she does, but most of it i eat.  she gets some stuff i wouldn't otherwise buy but will eat when i see it.  i don't complain about this food spending because, really, it's not important.  we have to eat, and it's easier feeding two than one.  much easier.

astrocenter saturday 1 december 2007: A day spent playing with someone you love is much more fun and ultimately more fulfilling than a day spent working alone. You've been working exceptionally hard lately, star. Why not take some time off to be with the one you love? Think of all the movies you've missed, all the books you haven't read, because you've been so busy sitting behind a desk. Order some good take-out food tonight and rent some of those fantastic movies that have long left the theatres. 

that would have been a good idea.  unfortunately work isn't so easy to escape, and we used all our vacation days, leaving us with little extra time to play together.  we've gotten behind on our netflix movies, and we've missed some theater movies we said we wanted to see.  i hope we can manage a few in the next couple weeks, as they'll be the bit special important ones of the year.  it's sad that this horoscope is a month old and we still haven't lived up to it.

daily horoscope saturday 1 december 2007: You've got quite a lot to think about today and your mental state is perfect for rearranging priorities and coming up with new options to help you adapt to the changing circumstances of life. 

this is a prime example of why i shouldn't let myself get this far behind in horoscopes.  i'm sure i wanted to respond to this and how it pertained to events in my life at that time, but i cannot remember what they were.  i still have plenty to think about, but i don't usually do it.  i float through life dealing with things as they come--reacting, and reacting poorly--but i never take the time to analyze the situation and act before problems arise.  at some point i have to learn to evaluate situations, address risk, and plan for the future.  i have to be able to approach life on my own terms, instead of fending off the junk it throws at me.  maybe thinking and re-prioritizing more would help.  maybe greater flexibility and a greater understanding of why people do what they do would help.  maybe i should stop hating the world and start trying to understand it.  you are not my enemy, you are just someone trundling along, same as me, with different goals and motivations but otherwise basically ok.  i need a more positive outlook.

romantic horoscope saturday 1 december 2007: Paying loving attention to the body helps your soul (not to mention your relationship and your waistline). Make a physical exercise part of your daily lives. Try couples' yoga. Take walks after dinner. 

the month between thanksgiving and xmas is the worst for exercise.  it's all eating and going nowhere.  the weather gets bad--not just cold but snowy and wet and nasty--it's dark almost as soon as i'm home from work, and generally i'm too tired to do anything.  exercise with baby would be nice, whether it's exercise tapes together or  yoga class or what have you.  even a walk after dinner would be good, but we feel so behind on everything else it's nearly impossible to have the motivation.  part of why i haven't been to the gym in a while is this sense that i have much more i should be doing.  i want to be doing.  i need that time.

but now i need the body, so i'll go back to the gym soon.  i'll get back in shape.

romantic horoscope monday 3 december 2007: Usually looking backward isn't helpful. It just hurts your neck and the things you see are never worth it. It's fine, however, to look at the past as long as you learn from it. Something in your memory could pay off now. 

it was about this time i was thinking about the n, and what we'd had together, and what we could have had if i'd let us.  if i'd been able.  eventually i saw the flaws in my argument, remembered what bugged me about her, and concluded it would have turned sour eventually, even if i'd been able to give her the emotional engagement she wanted.  fat girls are hard to please, and there was never anything i could do about it.

while i can't point to any specific memory, the looking-backward session was useful to see what was wrong in my present relationship, and what similarities might exist.  essentially, though i want to be more engaged, though i believe myself when i say i love baby, i know at the same time i'm not nearly as emotionally open and connected as i should be.  i think i was earlier in our relationship, but for some reason i've pulled back.  i'm protecting myself from something, i'm not sure why.  this is a recipie for disaster, and should be mended soon.  i know when i'm looking around for something else, and why i do it.  that was constant with the n, and it's been more prevalent lately with baby.  at the same time, when we have trouble i ratchet up the smiles and treat her sweetly when i see her.  the attitude doesn't last, but for a while it's pleasant and fun.  the problem is, it covers up deeper problems, things we have to address, confront, and resolve.

daily horoscope monday 3 december 2007: You are having a blast, even if it's just the same old daily activities you go through every day. Something about your personal energy infuses everything you do with fun and others around you share in it!  

covering up problems, anyone?

and since when have i had personal energy?  i'm tired all the time, and drained, and terribly pessimistic.  i don't want to be anywhere.

romantic horoscope tuesday 4 december 2007: Why ask the question if you don't really want to know the answer? Be clear about your needs. Instead of pestering your sweetie about whether these pants make you look dumpy, tell them you need a compliment, and fast. 

baby is grudging with compliments.  she expects me to be self-sufficient when it comes to self-worth.  i shouldn't need outside voices to tell me i'm a good person.  that she can do it doesn't mean i can, but she doesn't see it that way.  i have to learn to be more like her or she'll get sick and tired and bored and leave.  it's distressing, because my options are limited.  she says she's not making me change, but it's quite apparent that if i don't she'll leave.  i'm not putting the same pressure on her, and in fact if i did she'd leave first.  at what point do i decide she's not what i want, or she's not making the decisions i want her to make?  maybe if she keeps complaining about being tired all the time and about hating her job and still refuses to do anything about it.  she can change her life, she can take destiny into her own hands, if only she'd focus and try harder.  i'm lazy because i'm afraid of failure.  she's lazy because she is.  we both of us must stop doing that, end procrastination, and go somewhere.  do something.  get better.

astrocenter friday 7 december 2007: Sometimes you have a tendency to play the martyr, star. You are a hard worker, and you probably pride yourself on your discipline and stamina. But sometimes you take on too many responsibilities and allow yourself to be taken advantage of. If you are feeling overburdened right now, be vocal about it! The situation will never change if you just suffer in silence. Discuss your concerns or ask someone to help you. And feel entitled to take some time to relax!  

yes, i am your martyr.  i will let you walk all over me, because then you'll love me more.  when you see what i've sacrificed for you, then you'll know how great i am.

except it doesn't work that way: let people walk over you and they lose respect for you.  this is why i'm so bitter--for all i've given other people i've yet to feel properly repaid.  everyone i help goes away.  it could be that's why i'm reserved now, because otherwise my tendency is to be a doormat.  not that i'm not already something of a doormat, one of baby's major complaints, but i'd be even worse if i let myself.  i have to learn to stand up for myself, not just for me but for this relationship.  so often i'm willing to let myself go, not improve who i am, because i don't like myself.  i like baby, though, and i don't want to lose her.  that should motivate me to change myself, change my life.

i hope she comes with me.

romantic horoscope friday 7 december 2007: You and your beloved share a groovy kind love. You're in the frame of mind to celebrate the treasures of your relationship as they should be. Hint: All this lovingness might be better off celebrated indoors. 

we don't celebrate our relationship as we once did.  we're tired, or we're busy, or we're maybe even bored of it.  most relationships do this, and the ones based on physicality end quickly.  we have an emotional bond of some sort, so we're still going.  we're still able to be together despite not having sex every couple hours.  we don't have marathon sex weekends anymore.  we don't do crazy things in bed.  we don't experiment with positions, we don't engage in anal play, we don't use toys or food.  hell, we don't even 69 anymore.  the spice has left a lot of our sex life, leaving us with missionary position and unrealizable fantasies.  i'm not sure how we recover from this.  maybe we get more rest, maybe we find new ways to excite each other.  maybe we don't figure it out and break up instead.

romantic horoscope saturday 15 december 2007: Figuring out a new tact to take with a long-standing issue is a puzzle. Instead of talking it over (again), why not retire to your separate corners and let your daydreams (and actual dreams) provide you with inspiration? 

my dreams and daydreams are wildly impractical.  perhaps they offer nuggets of inspiration, but i haven't figured out how to sift through the layers of fantasy to find them.  the idea that we've done enough talking is interesting.  not that i shouldn't communicate my thoughts, but i should figure out what to do about the problem before i address it verbally with baby again.  we're assuming baby because of the romantic part, but i have long-standing issues with other people as well.  it turned out that weekend i should have talked more to boy's mom about my plans, but i neglected to do that.  it's not a sign of disrespect, but a sign of my internalization.  i'm getting lost in my own head.

and ok, yeah, i don't like or respect her.  she's a child masquerading as an adult, and acting like she rules the universe.  she absolutely does not.  that's my job.

daily horoscope saturday 15 december 2007: You've got so much creative energy coursing through you now that you should find that almost any new idea that pops in your mind feels worth doing. You need to take your time bringing them to life. 

if only i had the time to do this.

i'm spending tonight updating my mac.  i have a new protools system, and i have to get all the software up-to-date before i can set it up.  this process, along with installing the new hardware, requires me to rearrange the shelves.  this gives me another opportunity to sort through my junk and dispose of some of it.  i can't possibly need to keep it all, and now i have another opporturnity to pitch what i do not use.  i tried this once before, but now i'm serious about it.  i haven't opened these boxes since i sorted them last.  that means they're not much value to me.

romantic horoscope monday 17 december 2007: Build a positive set of beliefs rather than unconsciously reinforcing the old, negative ways of thinking, especially when it comes to your relationship. You can really put the past to rest and start fresh now. 

this is something i'm still doing.  my recent misanthropy is a last-gasp of the poisoned sewage inside me.  it's time to flush it out and begin again.  positive attitude, future-looking approach, determined beliefs.  i have to make changes, i have to go somewhere.  i have to do what i am passionate about, no matter what it takes.  this may mean spending money to make it easier to pursue my dreams.  it also may mean doing some hard work now so i can be where i want later.  if i can sit at a desk all day doing crap, why can't i play guitar at home?  certainly i can, i simply have to do it.  stop procrastinating--professional failure is already assured, why waste my dreams of musicianship too?

daily horoscope wednesday 19 december 2007: Your good social energy is attracting the right kinds of people to you now and if you keep an open mind, you should also find that you are ready for a brand-new message one needs to deliver.  

i must not have kept an open mind, because i don't think i received that brand-new message.  who are "the right kinds of people" anyway?

romantic horoscope sunday 23 december 2007: Do something that reignites the romantic spark between you two. When's the last time you and your partner had a conversation -- something that didn't concern logistics, the state of your union or other pragmatic items? 

i do not know.  all i know is baby had a bad xmas this year, after what has been a terrible year for her.  i don't feel so down about the year, or xmas, but she feels disappointed and drained.  she feels she's losing herself and wasting her time.  i'm not helping.  i don't even have the first clue.

we saw juno sunday night, but afterwards i couldn't get us talking about it in the car.  it's an interesting film, cute and clever and well-written and acted, though i'm not sure whether it's as good as some of the hype.  maybe that's because we had nothing to say about it afterwards.  chalk this up to my own mental blocks, where i want to say things but can't think of them, or i let other thoughts preoccupy me, like driving the car.  if we get in conversation i can usually keep going, but i have trouble getting things started.  oh, i tried, with a few comments i thought were open-ended enough to earn interested responses, but baby wasn't in the mood to help.  we rode home with the cd playing and few words between us.

i can't remember the last conversation we had.  little things last night, mostly about her new ds (it's good to know i could find something for xmas she would enjoy.  cds would have pissed her off, but a portable gaming system is something else.  especially when she can use it to stimulate her brain.  and i can too.

daily horoscope sunday 23 december 2007: You're having a hard time deciding what to do next -- and you shouldn't push yourself too hard to take care of that today. Let all your options just roll around in your mind for a while until something pops out. 

i'm still working on this.  i should maybe start pushing for decisions, but i'm not sure.  i'm not very good at making those tough decisions.  on the other hand, i've committed myself, to baby, to pushing for a more active, more vibrant, more successful future.  i'll be more ambitions, more open, more intense, more involved.  i have to learn how to be more observant, how to connect better with her, but i also have to engage the outside world better and make something of myself.  that's the goal.

daily horoscope monday 24 december 2007: You have got to show the world that you've got what it takes to outlast the competition. You know you've got the heart, so stick with your current project long after others would have given up  

yes, the stars left off the punctuation.  perhaps that is a sign for this to be an ongoing thing.  maybe they're saying i should stick with my project for ever.

this horoscope is helpful, a useful guide.  periodically i think about giving up on my music ambitions, about quitting and shelving the whole thing.  i think about finding something else to do, or focusing on my career in such a way that pushes me foreward professionally and financially.  maybe if i did that boy's mom would respect me more.  maybe she'd understand all my wandering in the wilderness, and my time spent in chicago.  maybe then it would seem worth it.

frankly, i think i just have to produce something.  if not a better job, then a decent album or a good book.  i have to show something for my time and effort.  now is not the time to quit.

romantic horoscope tuesday 25 december 2007: Is your sweetie running around like Chicken Little? Don't catch their mood, especially when you know the truth -- the sky isn't falling. Use your skills and intuition to figure out what's truly going on. 

not quite chicken little, but she's not being very positive.  maybe the sky isn't falling, maybe she's not exactly in a frantic panic, but she's still gloom and doom.  baby feels this has been a disappointing xmas--her first away from home and it all turns out boring, a let down.  this year has been one of struggle and decline for her.  she is increasingly unhappy with her job, with her social situation, with me.  she's walling herself in our apartment, with litle incentive to go out and meet people.  even that meetup group has fallen by the wayside.  i don't know how to push her out, i don't know how to motivate her.  i can't make her apply for other jobs.  i can't make her be social.  i'm beginning to think she's right, that we're not suited for each other, and maybe we'd be better going our separate ways.  i wonder where she'd go.

i'm not ready for that, yet.  i'm not ready to give in.  i'm not willing to quit.  now is not the time.  baby can tell me everything sucks, but i'll find positives, i'll find light, and i'll shine for us the way ahead.  we will make something good out of this.  we will get back on track.  i will do all i can to make it happen.

astrocenter wednesday 27 december 2007: For some time now, star, you've been trying to put together a more balanced schedule for yourself. Maybe you have needed more time to work out and to do things at home. Or maybe you have wanted to be able to spend more hours per week socializing and relaxing. All of these things have been a challenge for you over the past months. Today you could experience a breakthrough, where some of these things become more possible. 

i've done none of this the past month.  i  firmly believe the new year will allow me to reorganize my time and make these things happen.  seriously, i'm going to change things.  i will make time to read, time to play guitar, time to write.  i will find social time, i will get back to exercising.  i will have a life outside of baby, even if it's not always outside of the apartment.  i will stop wasting my time online at home, and start improving myself.  we can work together, but it's going to happen even if i have to do it all on my own.

 daily horoscope thursday 1 november 2007: You're feeling great and can withstand any pressure today. If there's no pressure around, then you've got plenty of excess energy to use however you like. It's a good time to get started on new projects. 

i know, i'm way out of date on these.  here i'll catch up on pertinent november horoscopes and we'll see whether a theme emerges.  no, i'll tell you the theme: get started on new projects.  be creative, stop putting off the things you want to be doing, and get to work.  self-improvement begins with creating something new.  i may have a cough now, and i may have other pressures, but i can make time to make art.

if i can't, then i should give up and succumb to a life of boredom and slavery.

astrocenter 2 november 2007: You might learn how to use some new technology, star. Perhaps you will install a new computer system. You might need to receive some training to help you to use this exciting tool. Don't be intimidated by technical people or complex procedures. If you take your time, you'll soon grasp the necessary concepts. And you could become an expert as you use this technology on a daily basis. 

it won't happen until december, but i am in the process of upgrading my music recording system.  i'm going from an 002 rack to an 003.  this is new hardware, with a different interface and hopefully easier connectivity.  it may require some re-arranging on the homefront, but that would be good for me anyway.  i have to get better organized, so i have more access to the tools i use most.  otherwise, what's the point?

and if i use it more often, i will become better at it.  isn't that the point?

romantic horoscope friday 2 november 2007: Remember the joys of dressing up when you were a kid? Pretend you're that age again and raid your closet. Put on your fanciest duds and insist that you and your sweetie hit the town. What a mood-booster! 

no one ever reads this supplement, so i can say things here and not worry about people finding out or getting ahead of themselves.  baby says she doesn't like dressing up--and when we try it's always a struggle to get things just right--but at the same time she'd like me to take her out more.  i should, and i will.  i'm planning a surprise, but when i'm not yet sure.  i think it'll happen mid-week, on a wednesday or thursday (probably thursday, since she won't want to miss antm).  i've been spending a lot of money lately, and that's not going to stop, but taking her out to dinner, like it's a date, is worth the cost.  it's important to the health of our relationship.  if i can't make these little improvements i shouldn't keep trying to do this.

but that's a question for another day.

daily horoscope saturday 3 november 2007: Today is perfect for reviewing your plans and big ideas. They may be perfect or flawed in some small way, but you need to know for sure before moving forward and your mind is in the right place to figure it out. 

i prefer to stumble ahead and hope it works.  i didn't review plans then, and i'm not going to worry about it now.  the only crucial thing i have to do is get my passport, and i'm waiting for baby to print my passport photos first.  i may have to do that myself, though.

astrocenter 4 november 2007: You could decide to let go of an old goal, star. The energy of the day will give you some clarity about what you really want in your life. If you have been pushing to make something happen, make sure that your efforts are worthwhile. Perhaps the accomplishment that you seek is a little too daunting. Be honest with yourself, and don't be afraid to set some smaller goals that will be easier to reach. 

i've given up on going back in time, that much is for sure.  i'm in the process of releasing my ideas about immortality.  i'm getting to an age where i'll have to resign myself to the idea that i've missed-out on the opportunity for a threesome.  i don't know how realistic it ever was, but at this point i don't see it ever happening.  i'm old enough i risk coming across as the creepy old man, and i certainly don't want that.  maybe there's still time to find a couple of young women who want to share themselves with me, but i don't hold out much hope for it.  i don't know where to begin to look for what i want, and frankly i'm not inclined to go out of my relationship searching for it.  if baby makes it happen i won't complain, but i'm not in any position to instigate something.  it's a fantasy, and like most fantasies it will never be a reality.

maybe it's better that way.

daily horoscope sunday 4 november 2007: Financial issues are on the table and your ability to juggle numbers and concepts in your head has never been stronger. It's a great time to experiment with new ways of handling your cash. 

here's a new concept: don't worry about money.  spend what you have to in order to get what you want.  that's why i'm not worrying about the cost of upgrading my protools system.  i'm not worrying about the cost of moving next year.  i'm trying not to think about finding a job and paying rent and everything alone after the move.  i'm not going to let that bring me down.  i have the money, i may as well spend it on something i want.

astrocenter 9 november 2007: You could be thinking about moving, star. You always benefit from a change in location. Maybe you are considering applying for a new job in a different part of the country. Or you might even think about moving overseas. You are definitely in the mood for adventure. But before making any major commitment, consider all of your options. There could be some nice opportunities for you that are closer to home. 

i'm not considering "all my options".  i'm looking into moving to indy by next august.  i'm not thinking about going anywhere further away.  the slowing economy troubles me, and makes me think i should be focusing on job security instead, bolstering my worth to this company and figuring out how to stay around here.  that's not practical, though, because i want to be more invovled in boy's life.  i want to be there for him.  there has to be something in indy worthwhile for me to do.

romantic horoscope friday 9 november 2007: You're just beginning to understand the importance of following your own heart, but your sweetie pie's comment makes you see that your actions are affecting a lot more than just you. How eye-opening! 

i don't follow my own heart--my nervous guts and my analytical brain get in the way too often.  neither do i connect enough with other people, or show my interest in their lives.  i don't recall a comment from the 9th, but baby has said things since then, and before, that make me acutely aware of my distance and inwardness.  i have to break out of my shell.  i have to let her in.  i have to care more about the people around me, and show them i care.  no more putting on a show of my feelings, i have to feel them too.

romantic horoscope saturday 10 november 2007: The greatest thing about being in a relationship is that you learn about new people, places and things you might never have become acquainted with otherwise. So if your sweetie wants to take you exploring, go! 

baby and i are usually too tired to do much exploring.  i'm too self-focused and she's gotten bored of the city.  we're not going places unusual or new.  i think as part of my new dating scheme i should try to find restaurants in different parts of the city, preferably places we haven't been before.  i should arrange other things to do nearby, so we can explore the neighborhoods and learn about the city.  just walking around an area like pilsen or wicker park would be fun.  we've lived together two-and-a-half years, in the present place one-and-a-half, and we still have much more to learn and see.

romantic horoscope sunday 11 november 2007: Get your head up to speed with your heart and vice versa. New information and novel experiences get you two just where you need to be. So no more DVD watching from the couch! It's time to get out there. 

we're still dvd watching.  as the cold and gloom settles upon chicago, it becomes more difficult to motivate ourselves to go out.  my idea of exploring neighborhoods doesn't work well when it's 30 degrees and we'd rather be inside cuddled on the couch than shivering in the cold, dark streets.  that said, there are things to do that don't involve sitting at home watching tv.  somehow i have to find a way to energize baby so we can get out and live.  we have to go places and see things and get to know the city and ourselves better, before time runs out.  before we leave, before we're done.

should i be afraid that we are marching slowly towards the end of this relationship, that when i move we'll admit defeat, wave the white flag, and go our separate ways?  i hope not.

astrocenter 17 november 2007: Today you could be longing to return to your past in some way, star. You might hear a song on the radio that makes you think about your old school days. Or you could suddenly flash back to somebody that you once dated. You could be playing back scenes from important moments in your life. This television effect in your head could distract you as you are driving or trying to work. So do your best to remain focused today! 

i do this often, these flashbacks.  i think about how things used to be, how i used to be, and the good experiences i've had.  sometimes i want to go back to a period of my life i enjoyed very much.  when i think about it i realize it wasn't all great and wonderful, and the reality is that today is not any worse than it was then.  it's a question of perspective, of perception.  if i have a positive attitude, i will have a positive life.  i have to make this work, i have to make it good.  no one else can do it for me, and i certainly can't return to those days.  i can't relive my life.  i can't change what has come, only make better what is yet to be.

romantic horoscope sunday 18 november 2007: Sometimes you think love is like following a recipe. Occasionally, when one of the ingredients goes missing, you have to improvise. Take notes -- this substitution might work so well you'll want to repeat it. 

ths is interesting because i do it.  i think if i do x, y, and z in a certain order, i can make things turn out how i want.  i think i only have to do this or smile there or laugh at that joke or give this present and i'll have love.  she'll love me and we won't have to worry about anything else.

that is not how it works.

i take everything for granted, and don't appreciate the things that matter most to me.  i love baby, but i don't show her.  i don't treat her as though i love her.  i don't give her the things she wants or show her the interest she deserves.  i can't buy her love with trinkets and gifts, i have to earn it with thoughtfulness and caring.  i don't do enough of that.  if i can't do it more, then we shouldn't be doing this.  if i don't want to be passionate and giving to baby, then i don't want to be with her.

what's holding me back?

astrocenter 22 november 2007: Remember that creative project that you always think about but have never completed, star? Well, today could be a good day to finish that project and more. You'll have the energy and perspective to see what needs to be done. Anything involving changes in your home, like building cabinets, installing tile or hanging wallpaper, are all well aspected. By the end of the day you'll feel good from everything you've accomplished. 

i probably did have the energy and perspective, but i was traveling and did not have the opportunity.  i've been carrying out these instructions in slow motion, but i'm gearing up to spend more time on making them happen.  going away for thanksgiving, and being somewhat sick, hasn't helped me be productive, but my other organizational problems (i'm untidy and cluttered) don't help.  moving doesn't necessarily solve the clutter issue, so i have to resolve it on my own.  i am giving myself to the end of the year to put things away where they go, or i'll have to make drastic changes to my organizational system.  by which i mean i'll start throwing things away.

romantic horoscope saturday 24 november 2007: Why not try reinventing your persona? It's fun to be a different person every now and then. Not only will it keep you and your sweetie from getting bored, but it'll give you plenty to talk about later on. 

yes.  why don't i?  re-invent myself as someone more open and fun.  someone lighthearted and un-serious.  someone less afraid of everything i do.  especially someone who doesn't overreact, who doesn't get defensive, about every little perceived slight.  the world does not revolve around me, so why should i think everyone is against me?  they're not, and neither is baby.  she loves me, she's on my side, why can't i let her in?  why can't i appreciate her?  why do i take it so personally when she's annoyed and frustrated, even when it's not about me?

do something about it now.

astrocenter 31 october 2007:  You might be in the mood to lecture or criticize other people today, Andrew. There is a part of you that has grown impatient with the immaturity or incompetence you are seeing around you. It can be hard to express constructive criticism when all you really want to do is chew someone out! But try to get hold of your temper today and find kinder, gentler ways of expressing your thoughts. 

i forget whether this applied specifically on that day, but i know in general it's pretty true.  i don't stand incompetence very well.  this is probably because i want myself to be perfect, and any shortcoming is a sign of weakness.  i project this vision on other people, expecting them to be at least as together as i am (but usually more, because i'm not all that capable).  it makes me easily frustrated.  furthermore, i get defensive when someone questions my ability, or if i perceive someone to be questioning my ability.  i don't want to be seen as unknowledgeable or lacking in ability to do something.  that's horribly unfair to them or myself, an unrealistic demand, but i do it anyway.  solving this will rely on my ability to shake off my past and focus more on the future.

romantic wednesday 31 october 2007: You love using your intellect to create change, but right now you see how important it is to let things naturally evolve, especially when it comes to relationships. Loosening your grip lets you be at peace.  

i do give too much to reason, and not enough to emotion.  i don't intuit, i don't feel my way through things enough.  i should give myself over to feeling more, and experience rather than analyze.  relax and enjoy my relationships.  let them evolve at their own paces.  i don't need to push anything along.  i don't need to press for someone to like me more, or keep liking me, or anything.  i have to be myself, and riches will flow to me.

how can i believe that?  i'm sexy, i'm smart, i'm fun to be around.  if i can show confidence i can attract attention.  attention is all i want.

daily wednesday 31 october 2007: People can tell that you are open to their concerns, so it's the perfect time for a family meeting or customer service. Your warmth puts everyone at ease and makes difficult discussions bearable. 

i wonder how this fits with my intolerance of incompetence.  i wonder how i avoid becoming impatient when people are asking me questions with answers they should already know.  that said, i think i was fairly warm halloween, at least that night.  handing out candy i may have looked like a monster in my mask, but i felt good about treating little kids.  we had a lot of candy, and it was an effort to give it all away.  i'm glad we enhanced those kids' halloweens.

daily horoscope saturday 27 october 2007: Your social circle is widening somewhat and that could mean that you need to throw a party or just introduce a few people who haven't yet met. It's a great time to make new connections in your life. 

i don't know that my social circle is widening yet, but perhaps something has set in motion that will allow it to do so.  after baby's chastening last week, i've been trying to appear more outgoing, smile more in public, put on a happier face.  i try to look friendly, with the thought that i'll look more attractive and approachable.  perhaps with this behavior i'll attract notice of interesting people, and they'll eventually want to get to know me.  i'm not going to rule out anyone, but i have to take the stance that i'm looking to make friends, and drop all those thoughts of a quick score or something on the side.  i want to get to know people, not fuck up my life.

romantic horoscope saturday 27 october 2007: Without even meaning to, you dazzle the crowd. Your cutie may want to know where you picked up this crowd of admirers, but they're only teasing. They understand that your magnetism is a supernatural force. 

i hope eventually this is the case.  i want a crowd of admirers.  i want a fanclub.  i want people to want to hang out with me, to want to be around me.  i want them to admire me, and have a good time wtih me.  i don't want them to like me for my money or because i mix drinks well or make good burgers, though.  i want them to like me because i'm fun and witty and entertaining.  i'm pleasant to be around.  enjoyable.  social.  i want to say, hey, i'm having a party this weekend, and they make an effort to get out of what they're doing and swing by, or just skip it altogether and attend my gathering.  not to be rude or mean about it, but i want people to think they'll have more fun at my place than anywhere else they might end up.  to achieve this, i have to turn on my magnetism again.  regain the friendliness, restore the intensity.  i have to be alive.

astrocenter saturday 27 october 2007: Today you could get caught up in daydreaming, star. You could be thinking about things that you would like to have happen. You might fantasize about winning the lottery or getting a lucrative new job. Or you might dream about a gorgeous stranger asking you out on a date. You'll be longing to break out of that boring daily routine. Try to find ways of cheering yourself up. Give yourself time to have some fun and just relax. 

that's a common dream for me.  some gorgeous stranger notices me, wants to get to know me better.  not just for sex, but to be around me.  to spend time with me.  frankly, i'm not sure whether i'd let it progress to something physical in one night.  i suppose i'd have to decide whether the person seemed like someone i'd want as a friend, as a long-term component of my life.  if yes, then we shouldn't sleep together.  we shouldn't make it physical, because that can seem cheap and superficial.  we should keep the tension going, keep the electricity alive.  if the person seems boring, dull, but possibly good ine bed, then go for it.  enjoy yourself.

most importantly, relax.  you want to be happy?  take a deep breath, exhale slowly, and smile.  let life come to you.  quit fantasizing about what you want, about what might happen.  dream about what you're doing, and let the surprises carry you away.  the things i have not expected have often turned out the best.

daily horoscope friday 26 october 2007: You may have a brush with fame -- or be mistaken for a celebrity yourself. Something about you is attracting the attention of the universe, in any case -- and it can only make things better! 

no brush with frame.  if there was one, i didn't notice it.  i was unaware of the history happening around me.  no, instead, i took off the day and spent time with boy and my parents.  baby joined us for lunch, and after work we went to hackney's.  following that baby, boy, and i played life.  it was fun, even if we did stay up late.

additionally, i felt noticed.  when we were in public, i smiled more.  i tried to appear more inviting.  i don't think i changed anyone's life or made any new friends or admirerers, but i felt that sometimes people noticed, they maybe were tempted to smile back but didn't.  i tried not to keep an eye out for that, or at least not look as though i was.  i don't want people to think i'm desperately craving attention.  i want them to notice me, and think i'm cool about it.  i want them to think i'm used to it, people see my awesomeness all the time.

you do, don't you?

romantic horoscope friday 26 october 2007: Life can get pretty hectic without any conscious effort. A romantic moment may have been unexpectedly interrupted today. Make an effort to pick up where the two of you left off and you'll be back on track in no time.  

we weren't interrupted in romantic moments.  i take that back.  boy has this thing he does when i try to kiss baby: he calls out "evil boundary" and tries to separate us.  we've gotten used to it, but i suppose the knowledge that he'll react that way deters us sometimes.  other times, nothing can stop us.

i don't know whether his attempts at separating us lead to increased excitement between us, but after boy went to sleep baby and i had some quite enjoyable time together.  i won't say much more than we slept well.

romantic horoscope thursday 25 october 2007: All of those electronic devices can get in the way of communication if you don't make an effort to use your self-editor. Sometimes the best way to get your point across is to save your words for face-to-face interactions. 

technology can be used to enhance your romantic situation, but thursday we had an argument after lunch and our emails did not help resolve it.  we didn't make up until after baby got home.  i'm not sure we even talked about what happened, beyond apologies and let's communicate better.  i'm still uptight about things, and baby still finds it annoying.  our face-to-face interaction makes all the difference.  it helps that i'm working again on being more outgoing and positive.  i'm not perfect, i'm not like that all the time, but perfection would appear shallow, and i want to appear complex.  friendly, approachable, and yet complex, as though something hides beneath the surface.  as though there is something worth getting to know better.

astrocenter thursday 25 october 2007: Today, star, the position of the planets unveils the atmosphere for the next year. The next few months might turn out to be a real turning point in your life. You may have a change of heart about your career goals, or the way in which you deal with your personal life, or you may be thinking about some changes in the way you manage your finances. Keep an eye out for the signals the planets may send your way, especially in your contact with other people. 

i don't know whether my more positive outlook and appearance will change my life, but perhaps it will.  perhaps i can turn this positivity towards my career, and my hobbies, and other things i do with my life.  perhaps i can be more productive, better organized, and more energized about what i do and what happens around me.  i can keep the little things under control and the big things in motion.  i can make dreams happen.

daily horoscope monday 22 october 2007: Your creative powers are unlocked in a new way and this could mean almost anything. Maybe it's time to shift your career somewhat, or maybe you just need to try something different in the kitchen. 

the way that came up in email, the screen cut off the last word.  i kept thinking it would say "bedroom."  maybe if it had been my romantic horoscope.  i suppose it's ok either way, as greater creativity would be enjoyable.  it would improve my view of my life.  it would make things better.  i hope to tie this in with my new positive outlook, with the smiling and the eye-catching i hope to be doing.  perhaps the new me can meet people who can facilitate my career goals.  better yet, perhaps they can facilitate my creative endeavors.  that could make everything better.

romantic horoscope monday 22 october 2007: Hanging out with another person can be lovely, but it can also take a lot of energy. You need some TLC and lots of silence. Take time to commune with your soul before you plug yourself back into your relationship. 

hanging out with al monday didn't cause any problems.  it didn't drain me.  it was fun.  we had a couple drinks, we talked about our weekends and stuff, and we had a nice time.  about twelve we went home--me here and she to her place up north.  i didn't want her to go.  not because i had plans for anything dubious or sinister, but because i didn't want to be alone.  baby was still in florida and i knew i would struggle to sleep without her.  there's no reasonable way for al to stay overnight on a monday, and it simply wouldn't have made sense for me even to ask.  i told her afterwards i spent some time hoping she'd come back to keep my company, but that was out of fear of what was to come: tossing and turning all night.  i was lonely without baby, and it wrecked my sleep.  when we live apart next year, i'm going to have a tough time getting used to it.

daily sunday 12 august 2007: You're radiating such vibrant star power today that someone on the street might confuse you with a celebrity in town on business. Play along if you're feeling sassy -- why not give a stranger a thrill? 

i think i was returning from indy this particular sunday, returning late with baby after a semi-eventful weekend celebrating my birthday.  there was a family meeting meant to settle disputes related to boy, and behind that whatever's bothering two-face (though later events proved it fruitless), but i'm not sure it came to much.  plenty of talk, but actions are what matter.

as for this gibberish, nothing happened.  i'd love to thrill strangers--why do you think i made such a big deal out of the dance with the stranger the sunday before?--but i rarely have the opportunity.  as it happened, i spent very little time in public that day, and even less time away from baby.  i think i walked from the parking garage to our apartment, at 9pm, alone.  the rest of the time i was with baby and/or not in a public area.  our street at 9pm sunday night? not many pedestrians.  few strangers to thrill.

romantic sunday 12 august 2007: Everybody has secrets, but when and where you choose to reveal those pieces of information are up to you. Part of you wants to lay all your cards on the table, but is that really realistic or helpful at this time?  

do i have secrets from baby?  i don't think so.  nothing serious at least.  something i plan to give her as a gift someday?  i don't know what i'd keep secret from her.  she knows i posted on craigslist about above-mentioned dancing girl.  she knows it resulted in me swapping emails with some girl in rogers park.  she knows that petered out when i realized the girl had no interest in me (maybe if i were younger and single, perhaps?).  she knows pretty much everything about me.  everything i can think to tell her.

she knows what my relationship with al is like.  she knows what we're about: movies, mostly, and dinner sometimes; i gave her my x-girlfriend's rats, one of which has since died; some venting about personal problems.  nothing spectacular, nothing problematic.

daily saturday 11 august 2007: Something just clicks, and the day opens up for you in a good way. It could be that good news comes in about an achievement of yours that finally brings you the recognition you know you deserve. 

day of the "family meeting".  not much came out of it--two-face ran as soon as she could and didn't come back for my birthday party, despite vague promises to "try".  bitch.

it was a nice birthday at least: burgers and corn; c was there (he, boy and i played mario cart until 2:30 in the morning--sick); baby came with; i got a ball and mitt (as did boy) and <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=1206893741&size=m">racing nuns</a>; saw the simpsons movie a second time; the weather co-operated nicely.

romantic saturday 11 august 2007: Recent events illustrate that you can't predict what'll happen next. You and your sweetheart have a contingency plan, but loosen up those expectations. Remember, not getting what you think you want can be a blessing. 

looking back all i can think about is the shit two-face later gave me, after we thought mom resolved everything.  she simply is not willing to discuss what sparked her anger, or explain herself in any way.  in short, my sister's a bitch and there's nothing i can do about it.  her last retort to me was about how she's living her own life with people who care about her.  that's fine, but when she askes why i'm not including her in my plans now i know what to say.

romantic sunday 5 august 2007: Falling into a routine with your sweetheart is very tempting. After all, it feels very comfortable -- but you may fall into a not-so-comfortable rut. Think about what you want to happen for the long term. 

we were in an uncomfortable rut, one that slowly ground us into the ground, even while it unleashed the brute in me.  i think that rut, when things get boring and frustrating, and my life feels pointless and hopeless, causes me to treat those around me poorly.  i think it especially causes me to lash out at my significant other, because i realize i'm not where i want to be and i don't have anyone to blame but myself.  well, i can't beat up myself forever so i take it out on the nearest person--baby.

since then, or rather since a week or two before this horoscope, we've turned things around.  we've broken out of our relationship rut, even though my personal one hasn't improved dramatically, and i've reined in the monster.  cranky star is back in his cage.  mostly.  it lashes out now and then, but it's not the problem it was a month ago.

daily saturday 4 august 2007: No matter where you are in life, you still feel you could use more education -- and you can tell the next step is going to be fun. Whether you're taking a new class or studying on your own, it's rewarding. 

i am taking classes.  and when this program is done i will look to the next phase of my career and see what i need for that.  a co-worker was today telling me about her former days as an ip paralegal, and how her present job is boring crap compared to that.  she got laid off, and now she can't get back to that level because she lacks her undergraduate degree.  she's working on it--she'll have one soon--but for now she's stuck doing this.  it was in this conversation that i realized i should be an ip paralegal.  hell, maybe one day i can be an ip lawyer (can i get my company to pay for law school?).  i know those are the classes i've most enjoyed, especially trademarks and copyrights, and i think i'd like working in that field.  now the question is, how do i get into it?  how do i get started?

i'll give myself until may to figure out my options, and then, with my s-cap fully vested, i'll start looking for a different place to work.  something in this area.  something i might actually enjoy.

daily friday 24 august 2007: See if you can fire up your friends or coworkers with the same sense of enthusiasm you're feeling. The trick is to start with those who are already more or less in line with you and let peer pressure do the rest. 

what enthusiasm?  about what am i firing them up?  how can they be in line with me about something if i don't know what we're excited about?  this does't make any sense.

romantic friday 24 august 2007: You reap what you sow. Whether it's your actions, words or intentions, you have to be aware of what you're planting at all times, especially in a relationship. Cosmically, this is a time to harvest results. 

this makes more sense.  in a day where the paper runs an article on swingers, which leads logically to baby and me talking about it, it's possible i'm setting the stage for something exciting (or maybe merely uncomfortable) to happen.  could be.

it could also be that all my socializing with other people will finally pay off.  those people i've been chatting with and hanging out with will finally see what an awesome, sexy, desirable man i am and come running to steal me away from baby.  i won't reward them with success in that endeavor, but their attempts will flatter and strengthen me.  i like that.

romantic 28 july 2007: Your partner is a lot of things, but they can't be (nor should they be) everything to you. It's a good time to think about what you need and want from this relationship and whether those expectations are realistic. 

i know this.  it's something i've wrestled with through all my relationships.  it's easy for me to devote my time to my significant other, just as it's easy to burrow into my hole and not come out.  it's tough for me to get out and involve other people in my life.  tough to have a life that encompasses all my interests.  tough to make friends.

i don't have a clear or mapped out set of needs and wants, but i think my expectations are realistic.  i know there are things baby cannot give me, things she cannot be for me, and i am always attempting find ways to fill those gaps in my life.  making more friends, having a social life, would help greatly.

romantic 27 july 2007: Your relationship takes a few surprising turns. Amazingly, they turn out to be exactly what you need, although you never could've come up with them on your own. The stars know how to deliver a plot twist! 

this would be last friday.  i kept it at the time thinking it would be helpful to look back later and see whether it panned out.  interestingly, it only sort of did.  the plot twist seems to have come in the shape of my sister lashing out at us for a variety of perceived wrongs, though the underlying cause is her problem with baby being married.  as you know this has been stressful for us, but sista g has suggested a truce to allow tensions to subside, and i think we'll honor it.  whether anything ever gets resolved i don't know.  we'll see how things work when we're down indy to celebrate my birthday.

interestingly, by the time this horoscope popped up, our relationship had taken a turn.  we'd hit a wall with another of my outbursts, and baby expressed, without giving an ultimatum, that things had to change or we were doomed.  i cannot behave like that anymore.  the next day, chastened and tired, i turned my attitude around.  overnight i went from spontaneous asshole to laughing hyena.  er, not hyena, but more cheerful.  as far as plot twists go, that's helpful.

the horoscope itself never came true.  we didn't have any positive external plot twists.  we didn't have any surprises we needed.  we're doing better, but we're not radically different.

daily 25 july 2007: Have things been snappish between you and a dear one? Try taking a completely different tact in your next interaction. Before you start talking, set your intentions. Make this person feel warm and welcome. It'll help. 

the accuracy of this one is scary.  coming the day after my aforementioned outburst and our subsequent talk about its possible effects on our future together, i was already on this wavelength before i read the horoscope.  i don't know exactly what i did, but i've adjusted my approach to baby so that i'm much less likely to yell at her, let alone yell at her in public.  this is more of a behavior shift than a solution of the underlying problem, but it works so i'm not complaining.  the underlying problem requires better organization and focus on my part.  i'm not sure how well i can do that, but it has to start somewhere.

romantic 24 july 2007: The practical can have a lot of impact on the emotional. Are there some basic issues that you and your sweetie don't have under control? It might be time to do some maintenance work around your relationship.  

how true this is.  i'm not sure i recognized the importance when i read it, or considered it later when we had our much-needed confrontation (maintenance work), but in hindsight this horoscope was dead on.  much as the one that came afterwards pointed to the required change in my approach to people, this one pointed to the problem with my behavior and what we needed to change it.  our tense, tearful, saddening conversation, which as mostly me trying to fix things and her watching mutely while i flailed verbally.  however it looked, it seems to have worked.  i'm behaving better and she's wonderfully sweet to me again.

daily 24 july 2007: Wonderfully weird and wild influences get your creativity going. You can't decide whether to write iconic love poems or torrid romance novels. Heck, why not both? You're nothing if not multitalented.  

this hasn't happened, but then i've been focused on other things.  i feel too disorganized to engage in creative displays, but perhaps i should try writing more and see what happens.  when i go home tonight maybe i should set aside some time to type a few lines.

a few weeks ago i commissioned a story from boy.  what he sent was a major disappointment, like he didn't take it seriously.  the other day i told him he should check his email more often--he hasn't checked since michigan.  i said we should write something together.  he can write a bit, and then i can write some, and we'll trade back and forth.  i've no idea how this will turn out.  i don't know what sort of story the two of us will write.  it'll be an interesting experiment, though.

romantic 21 july 2007: You swore up and down that this move was the right one for you two, but now that a little time has passed, you're not so sure. Hey, that's no problem. You live, you learn. Forgive yourself and move on. 

i'm not sure why i've kept this one.  i don't know what at the time it might have referred to, neither do i know whether it's relevant now.  the most recent dubious move we made was the establishing (and practicing) the "open relationship" concept.  the other night when we were trying to fix things after my outburst, i wondered whether that episode had anything to do with my behavior.  am i jealous of what she did and the attention she receives, and i still want my own turn?  am i upset that it happened at all, but instead of admitting that to myself i've spent the past couple months letting it churn underneath so i can lash out later without understanding why?  am i disatisfied with our relationship for some other reason and trying to undermine it, trying to push her away.  of the reasons listed in a recent study of why people have sex, one is to end a relationship.  i've done that, though i didn't think of it that way at the time.  i had been trying to end a relationship, and having sex with someone else would go a long way toward making that break stick.  that it lead into another relationship is neither a surprise nor anything new.  my relationships tend to overlap.

i wonder, though, whether part of my frustration, and thus overreacting, has to do with a desire for something different.  not that i'm bored with baby, or that i don't want to be with her anymore.  i love her dearly and i enjoy our time together.  i think, though, i'd like to do things with other people.  go to movies, have dinner, maybe even fool around.  not just all, but people i don't know very well, if at all.  i've even thought about posting a personal ad with the intention of meeting someone for dinner or drinks, maybe going back to her place afterwards, and then having nothing more to do with it after that.  i would consult with baby on this first, and it's a sign of my low interest that i haven't done more than mention it in the hypothetical, much as i've mentioned using personal ads to find a third person to join us in bed.  such talk comes to nothing with me, though, so i'm not worried about doing something stupid.

daily 19 july 2007: It's not just what you say that matters, but also how you say it. Choose your method carefully; in some cases, face-to-face interaction is much more effective than an email or a text, and vice versa. Think about this. 

interestingly, this seems more relevant now than it did then.  again, i don't recall how this was relevant then, but the situation with my sister might be applicable now.  whether we resolve this problem at all is up in the air.  i know baby would handle the face-to-face thing ok, but i'm not comfortable, and i don't know comfortable my sister would be, with that.  we seem to communicate better via email.  i suppose given the problem it's better to handle face-to-face.  to talk out our differences and find the common ground we need.  sista g has accused us of being somehow inseparable when we're together, like we're a unit, but at the same time when she complains that we never make plans with her she includes the fact that sometimes baby doesn't visit indy with me.  how are we an inseparable unit if we're in separate places?  furthermore, when she does join me, what is she supposed to do without me?  it's not like i'm running errands or going to a movie and leaving her behind to amuse herself with whatever.  there are opportunties for people to isolate one or the other of us (more often me than her, i think), but i'm not sure people notice or take advantage of them.  it's easy to say things are one way when you ignore the times they are another way.

romantic 19 july 2007: Sometimes you wonder just how you and your darling have made it this far. Don't try too hard to analyze the situation. If it works, it works. If something isn't working, you should pay attention to that. 

we do wonder, and we sometimes have experiences that who us reasons maybe we shouldn't have made it this far.  then we patch up our problems and remember why we're together.  we fit together well.  we complement each other in some important ways.  we're good in bed together.  most important, i think, is that when we remember to do it, we enjoy our relationship for what it is, and for what it is now.  it will end some day.  one of us will grow tired of the other, one of us will move some place the other doesn't want to go, one of us will be kidnapped, one of us will die.  we must enjoy what we have now, celebrate our relationship while we can.  there's not time for fighting and shouting and embarassing ourselves in public.  there's only time for love.

daily 18 july 2997: Someone else thinks this is hilarious, but your sense of humor isn't quite so tickled. Come on, learn to laugh at yourself! Granted, it may sting at first, but a few chuckles will help you recover much more efficiently.  

as i'm sure you've figured out, i have difficulty with this.  i take most things too seriously.  i take myself too seriously.  i take baby too seriously.  in fact, it's because i value baby's opinions so much that i have trouble knowing when she's serious and when she's joking.  i think everything she says is important, which sparks defensiveness when i feel derided or attacked.  she's trying to be funny, duh!  the n would mess with me now and then, and that would make me insecure too.  with her it wasn't that i took her too seriously so much as i don't like being tricked or duped, and she'd basically tell me things and i'd believe them and then she'd say no, i'm just messing with you.  baby doesn't do it the same way, but i think i have a similar feeling and reaction.  i have so much trouble determining what is right and wrong in the world that i don't need people, especially people close to me, adding to the confusion.

or maybe i should learn to embrace the confusion, and, as this says, learn to laugh at myself.  don't take it too seriously.  other perspectives on things should help me have a better, more informed view of the world.  if they see something as funny, then i should try to see it their way and laugh.  if they see it as silly or disgusting or bad, then i should make the effort to see that view also.  even if i disagree, i should understand what other people are saying so i can make better judgments about situations i face.

daily 14 july 2007: A little pang of nostalgia strikes unexpectedly. You used to have it so good -- or did you? Once this mood wears off, reexamine whatever it is you think you miss. Your conclusions might surprise you. 

i think around this same time i reacted to this without making a direct response.  those pangs of nostalgia, which i fight as often as i can, still spring up to bother me.  i think one lingered when i was seeing off a, and i know i think about other x's periodically.  i think about how things could have been, and about how they were, and feel a twinge of wanting to go back to that time.  then it wears off and i remember that what i have now is much better.  i suppose i haven't thought much about what i missed, or what it means for me today.  i haven't tried to determine what about a situation is memorable to me, or what i feel is missing in the now.

a quick look at a's departure doesn't give me many answers.  i realized she's not very attractive, or at least she pales in comparison with baby.  at the time, when i met a, i was coming out of the wreck of my life, and it's only appropriate that i would grab the first thing i found.  she was a mess herself, and has since proven to have recurring physical and mental health problems (outpatient therapy, bizarre diagnoses, etc.).  the problems we had didn't surface in our last meeting, but neither did any of whatever brought us together.  if we don't have much contact in the future, now she's in lincoln, nebraska, then i don't think it will bother me.  i'm not going to miss her as i have 23, and i'm not going to wonder how i could have done it better.  the answer to that is simple: when 23 returned to my life i could have made more of a relationship with her and gotten myself untangled from a.  not that i think a relationship with 23 would have survived either--while we have similar interests we come from different enough backgrounds that i think it would create conflict.

in fact, my history of relationships is one of not knowing when to get out, and then not getting out soon enough.  i hope i am not that way with baby, but it's hard to tell.  you can't know until afterwards whether it died before it finally ended.  i'd rather linger too long than leave too early.  i don't want to let a failed relationship stick in my head forever, though.  get over it and move on.  whatever went wrong, learn from it and do it better next time.  avoid the person who poisons you.  quit making the same mistakes.

daily 13 july 2007: Someone is turning you upside down and into knots. You've got it bad, but sometimes it feels so good. Go with it. The secret to life is learning to be comfortable with all your feelings, especially the weird ones. 

i think at the time there may have been some value to this, but i don't know what now.  what i can say is that my thoughts about being with other people--not because i'm bored with baby but because i sometimes feel the desire for greater variety--surge and recede, and it's possible they were surging at the time.  it's possible i fixated on someone in particular, probably who i didn't know well, and spent more free time than i should have dwelling on what the person would be like over coffee, in bed, and et cetera.  i probably built a briefly lived fantasy world that detailed how to get to know her better, how to seduce her, and what the fall out would be for my relationship with baby.  i'm pretty sure the seduction part is a reverse-seduction, where i express my openness to something but leave the physical initiation to her.  i'm less of a bastard that way, and it's less my fault.  in terms of our "open relationship", it's a problem if either of us is seeking out other partners, but a different thing entirely if someone comes on to one of us.  i shouldn't be propositioning women, but i don't have to say "no" if they express interest.  ride the rollercoaster, see how far it takes you.

daly 12 july 2007: Talking over your emotions with a trusted friend or professional helps work out the source of your problems. So you're bouncing from one topic to another. That's okay. You're figuring things out, not writing a report.  

i've been doing this lately.  i was doing it at the time, too, but lately i've had more pressing problems so i've been more verbose and vocal aboutit.  at the time i was probably discussing my problems with one person, but lately i've involved others due to availability and circumstances.  ebb has been busy with her own issues (though i wasn't aware of it right away) and all asked about my michigan weekend so i gave it to her.  it's funny, because she was just being polite, probably thinking she'd get this tale of fun in the sun (and maybe castles in the sand).  instead she got my rundown of the weekend that i posted in dland, and then a series of laments about the difficulties and complications arising from that.  after my outburst with baby i was upset and panicky and i had to sort out what was wrong with me.  i ended up writing all about it and it proved a great help.  she didn't have much input, didn't have much help to offer, but all i really needed was space to vent, and someone to acknowledge i was venting.  so often online people don't respond to what i say, so i feel no one's paying attention.  if no one reads it then i don't feel i've epxressed myself.  i can't get it out unless there is some modicum of dialog.  tell me you read what i wrote, and i'll be better able to proces it.  i'm not sure why it works that way, but it does.  communication cannot be one-sided.

romantic horoscope for monday 4 june: Someone says they're dying to hang out with you two, but what they're saying when you're not around might be completely different. There's no need to get dramatic about it, but keep your eyes and ears open. 

this is such an odd romantic horoscope i had to post it.  i'm not sure what it means (or whether it matters now).  no one's been clamoring to hang with us, so i don't think there's an issue, but still i'm curious what they might be saying when we're not around.  do they want to hang with us?  do they want something more?  is this "romantic" only because it refers to us as a couple?  does it mean to imply some sort of romantic interest in us as a couple?  or maybe an interest in stealing one of us away.  i really don't know.

romantic horoscope for wednesday 6 june: You're the caretaker of your well-being. Are you getting what you want out of this relationship? Take these and other questions seriously. While your sense of humor is an asset, don't use it from a defensive position. 

the other day baby told me to have a sense of humor about my computer crisis.  i told her my sense of humor was trapped on the computer.  fortunately, this whole mess has not adversely affected our relationship.  i'm upset, yes, even frustrated, but i'm not taking it out on baby.  i'm not being snappy and defensive.  things between us have been wonderful this week.  i find myself wondering how long that will last, but i'm certainly enjoying it while i can.  if i stay positive, i think we'll do well.

yes, i am getting what i want.

daily horoscope 5 june: If you've been burning the candle at both ends, now is a great time to give yourself a rest. If your brain is still running a million miles an hour, get outside and take yourself for a walk. It'll divert that energy. 

my brain is running fast, over and over again, about my frustrating computer problems.  i had class last night, so not much walking, but i'm going to try the gym after work today.  my legs are sore, but i'll push them anyway.  i need to keep going.

romantic horoscope 5 june: TV and take-out again? Come on -- the two of you can do better than that. It's time to liven things up. What about a night out salsa dancing? How about a local poetry reading? Turn your routine on its head. 

i went to class.  no poetry reading, no routine turning.  i don't know what we can do about that.  i have to get that computer working again tonight.  maybe this weekend, with the book fair and all, we'll do something out of the ordinary.  maybe we'll get brunch, or maybe we'll make it ourselves.  there's an idea.  i wonder who we can have over for brunch.  i like cooking, and it'd be nice to serve more than just the two of us.  i think i enjoy entertaining.  now if i can just figure out how to be home for a weekend when other people are available.

some old horoscopes i thought i'd comment on.  i've been meaning to keep up with these, but i get behind.  for some reason i can't post to lj from home anymore--the browser keeps crashing.

sunday 27 may: Why not add 'visionary' to your list of accomplishments? When you let yourself dream big, you can come up with concepts that are so far out they're in. Shifting gears to get into this mode takes practice, so get started. 

i like being visionary.  i like anticipating the future, and getting credit for it.  i like getting credit for everything i do, especially the good things.  i feel better about myself when people notice my accomplishments.

my big concepts lately are music- and writing-related.  the trouble for me is making time to work on these things.  i'm an expert procrastinator, despite the fact i should be pursuing my dreams, not putting them off.  i don't know what it would take to make all this work right.  there isn't enough time anywhere.

saturday 26 may: Don't take this lying down. Take it while you're standing up. Even better, jump around and wave your arms. In other words, a totally unexpected response could just turn a situation around. Why not give it a try? 

ah, confusion.  someone throws something challenging at you, and you respond with craziness, with something that doesn't seem to fit or make sense.  catch them off guard and they won't know how to respond.  then, when you're ready, you strike.  maybe you'll even get what you want.

i don't know to what this specifically applied.  i don't know that anything was wrong, or that i was being troubled with something.  saturday was shopping and cleaning.  we had a little tension at the store, and walking home, but that sorted out.  it felt like we were going to fight all day, which was not what we were supposed to do (or wait, was that sunday, and i was upset because the day of our party started so tense? yeah, i think so).  i don't remember much about saturday.  target, dominick's, game stop (nunchuks, but no wii).  i'm sure we did something else, but i forget what.  cleaning went ok.  the place sure looks nice.  i'm not sure we remembered to take photos, but i think we could still do that.  the floor may have more dust and dirt on it, but the furniture is arranged nicely.  the space looks good.

romantic saturday 26 may: You have a few great ideas for fun with your sweetheart, and ought to be able to get at least one of them off the ground without any trouble. The two of you should love it! 

i'm not sure we floated that this past weekend, though we did have fun.  i suppose the party was my idea, and it went well.  people showed up, a ignored baby, and everyone pretty much got along.  i was too busy cooking and serving to notice how well people interacted, but when i saw someone appear disengaged i came up with a reason to get the person's attention.  i can't explain why a seemed not to acknowledge baby at all sunday night, unless she's not really over me yet.  that would be a bit crazy.  i had no trouble talking with her boy, and i felt relaxed when dealing with her directly.  she's moving to nebraska in a couple months--that's where she got a job--so i probably won't see much of her anymore.  we don't write, so i can't say that we'll keep in touch.  i won't even be inviting her to the next gathering (hopefully in late june) because baby doesn't like how a treated her.  i sympathize, and i agree.

daily friday 25 may: There's no better way to disarm an opponent than to lower your defenses. The very idea may make the hair on your neck stand up, but try it. The path of least resistance could just lead to the quickest victory.  

this is good advice, though i don't have much else to say about it.  the trick is to make sure the "path of least resistance" doesn't mean selling yourself short.  make sure it doesn't mean being a doormat.  you have to stand for yourself--lowering your defenses is a trick, not a lifestyle.

romantic friday 25 may: You're in the right mental space to rethink your long-term plans. That's not scary for you -- but it might be for Sweetie if you don't reassure them that they're still in the picture! 

baby's still in the picture.  she loves me so devotedly, so deeply, i can't imagine cutting her out.  in fact, i'd become more closely involved with her if i could.  i don't think my long-term plans involve being so closely and deeply in love with anyone but baby.

as for the rest, i'm still working on that.  business school next year, i think.  i should probably start working on that, researching schools and maybe even applying.  i wonder if i'd be up for kellog.  i should probably stick with a nearby school, since that would be easier.  what's it take to get an mba?

music is a long-term dream i need to get serious about.  i need to do something about it every day.  why not revisit my album-a-month trek?  i'd do it differently, yes, but i think i could still do it.  assuming i get more storage and ram for the mac first.

thursday 24 may: Right now the best solution is no solution at all. Yes, that answer is frustrating -- but when a situation's as convoluted as this one, you're better off waiting for a few items to sort themselves out before you dive in. 

i don't remember what was going on then, but this seemed somehow appropriate when i first read it.  i don't know what the convoluted situation was, but my life seems pretty simple now.  work, wreck, wretched.  i think sometimes this is a good approach to convoluted and complicated problems: sit back and let things sort out before attempting to untangle them.  maybe time will make them simpler.  if not, then you'll have a challenge on your hands.  challenges are good for you.

romantic horoscope wednesday 30 may: Your interest is piqued by some small sign or suggestion from your partner, and it's a good time to investigate more closely. You're sure to pick up on more interesting subtleties. 

i'm too tired to notice subtleties.  or at least for them to sink in.  baby's been very sweet this week, and she seems to be more casually affectionate that usual--little touches and looks here and there--but i'm not able to muster the energy to do anything about it.  i've been busy, we've been staying up too late, we're worn out.  even though her husband's coming today and we won't have privacy again until monday night, we couldn't cuddle and fuck last night.  i don't know where i'm going to find the energy to drive friday night, much less run around with boy.  given the weather, we should do things outside....

daily horoscope for 30 may: It's easy to be selfless under these current astrological influences. So why not take up that good cause you've been meaning to get to for ages? It will add a new dimension of satisfaction to your life. 

is it enough that baby's husband is coming to town today?  is it enough that he's staying at our place?  is it enough that i'm out of town while he's here?  is that better or worse?  don't i give enough?

but yes, giving of myself to others would add different levels of satisfaction to my life.  i want to take boy to some community service project, doing something for the homeless or something, but i don't know how to get that together.  i'm not taking the time to work it out.  he's old enough, and young enough, he should be doing this.  he'll have to do it in high school, but i think he should get in earlier and see what life could be like.  scare him into finding a dream to follow.

boy likes math.  what do i do with that?

romantic horoscope thursday 24 may: You might need some alone time -- not because anyone is in trouble, but just because you have to sort through some feelings that will only start to make sense once you've meditated on them for a bit. 

if i say i don't know what these feelings are, maybe that's because i haven't taken the time to sort them out, to meditate on them.  perhaps i should spend some time doing that.

i can tell you, though, what they might be.  thoughts of love for baby, yes, but also this need for friendship from other people.  i want a wider social circle.  i want to spend time with other people.  i want to hang out casually.  i want to get to know other personalities.  i want to exude my hyperbole around people not already annoyed with it.

i want close friends.  people in whom i can confide.  people to whom i can go when things with baby are rough.  people who will help me sort it out so i can get things back on track.

i want people to play games with.  people to see movies with.  people to run around and be goofy with (i'm not much good doing the latter on my own).

i want people to care about me.

romantic horoscope wednesday 23 may: If your partner is counting on you for a big show of crazy love, they will have to wait a few days. You're much more serious than usual for some reason, though of course your feelings are still the same. 

that would be about now.  i'll have to work up the energy for that.  on the other hand, i seem to be cooling my temper and snapping less, so maybe we have an enjoyable weekend in store for us.  a trip to ikea, a party, an extra day off . . . yeah, that could be good.

daily horoscope sunday 20 may: Mistakes aren't that big a deal. In fact, you might start viewing them as instruments of discovery. A so-called slip-up could point the way toward a new path that you didn't realize existed until now. 

i have to work in finding this new path.  i have trouble learning from my mistakes.  i don't do very well with discovery.  maybe it's time to start.

romantic horoscope sunday 20 may: You feel the urge to try something new, and shouldn't have a hard time convincing Sweetie that you're right. Take care with their feelings, though -- make sure they think they're part of the process. 

i think a threesome would accomplish all those things.  unfortunately, i lack prospects.  any volunteers?

daily horoscope saturday 19 may: Your sunny friendliness has a flip side -- occasionally, you can get more attached to people than they merit. The first step is to recognize this tendency. The next is noticing when it's interfering with your life. 

i worry that i'll fall into this trap with female friends.  not that i'm a sunny friend, necessarily, but i do sometimes get more attached than is healthy and/or appropriate, especially when i'm already in a relationship.  baby and i are free to fool around with other people, but if i got involved in that way with a friend it would be a different matter.  friendship by definition includes emotional elements, and conflating those with physical attachment adds a threatening and complicated dimension to the relationship.  baby wouldn't take kindly to the threat of me falling for someone else.  she wouldn't want me to want to spend time with another girl, something that could happen if i got physically involved with a female friend.
i think i would notice if it interfered with my life.  i think i'd get cranky and try to push baby away.  i think i'd work to undermine one relationship, unconsciously, so i could pursue the other.  interestingly, i've been behaving this way lately.  while i attribute it to an unconscious response to my sister's misgivings about baby's relationship with her husband, it's also possible i let myself think about being with other people.  not just physically, but emotionally as well.  i never thought 'oh, i want to leave baby', but i sometimes wonder what it would be like with someone else.  baby and i disagree and diverge on some points, and i wonder if i could find someone more like me.  would that make the person more compatible?  would it make me happier?  i honestly can't tell you.  someone more similar to me might not push the way baby does, might not drive me to improve the way she does.  might not make me stronger and better, as happens with baby.  without conflict, how do we grow?

romantic horoscope saturday 19 may: You don't have to do anything special to earn Honey's affections today -- you just have to be yourself. Your natural warmth is all they're looking for right now, and you'll help them make things right. 

being myself was cranky and irritable, was bitchy and ill-tempered.  being myself was rude and jerk-ass.  i was bitch last weekend--though not as bad as the previous weekend--and it did not go over well with baby.  she wanted my warmth but i didn't have much to share.  finally i'm on track again to being nice, but don't expect everything to be perfect.  baby loves me, baby forgives me, baby is patient.  when will she learn?